2002-11-18 - 1:11 p.m.
My shapeshifting has really gotten out of hand. Back on September 13, 2002, I told you all about the female CEO I became for a day. Well, since then, I’ve harnessed my shapeshifting powers and I can now choose what I turn into instead of it choosing me. Mostly I’ve been using it to settle personal vendettas, but I decided I was time for a change. I should use the power to benefit society as a whole. After much contemplation, I determined to shapeshift into George W. Bush and kill myself.
All afternoon I attempted to take his form, but as hard as I tried, I could only get is his mom, Barbara Bush. Don’t get me wrong, it was an incredible likeness of her, down to the last pearl, but it just wasn’t what I was looking for. Then a wondrous revelation came upon me; I could have Barbara strangle her son with her big, strong Texan arms. How exciting would that be? I’m pretty sure this event would finally put an end to that annoyingly persistent Bush family.
So I dressed up in a smart blue suit with matching gloves (for a better grip) and took a cab to the White House. The man at the gate shoved me in the line for the public tour without taking a look at my face or my signature white puff of hair. Reluctantly, I paid the $6.75 senior-discounted entrance fee and joined the rest of the oglers. I approached the first Secret Service agent I saw and told him how I desperately needed to see my son because his horse was sick back at the ranch. Well, I guess Mrs. Bush Sr. has as much security clearance as a man with explosive shoes and my request was quickly denied. I tried a few other, less-stern looking agents with no success. Finally, I resorted to shouting " slut" and "whore" at some of the young mothers on the tour with me. Hopefully that will put at least a little tarnish on the Bush Dynasty.
